i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
His nipple licking is glorious
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