I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
