I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
