it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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