when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
