i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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