Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
