if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
BRING THE BAGELS
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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