....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
