Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
