I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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