I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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