I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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