Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Randomize
