my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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