The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
