So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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