Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
