mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
