i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
