whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You've changed since you got that strap on
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
