I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You pole danced in your parka.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize