I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
