Where are you?
In a non slutty way
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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