I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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