Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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