the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
