I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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