Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
