Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
