I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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