So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
