You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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