I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
