I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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