Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
