I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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