hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
