shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
