Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
