Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Pooping to opera.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
