last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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