I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
where are you?
Hypothermia
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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