My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
