Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
