I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
