On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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