i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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