So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
