i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
