I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
