Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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