If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
