i think i have two assholes
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
