for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
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