worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
