I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize